


Gold

by Emerald Ocean 17 (Shelley101)



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: (for the most part), After Season 7, Angst, Before all stars 3, But instead I'm writing this, Canon Compliant, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Friendship/Love, I should be writing my dissertation, I'll add them as they appear - Freeform, I'm soft for trixya, Katya's relapse is in this, M/M, Past Drug Addiction, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, There will be more queens in this eventually, trixya - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:14:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23809705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shelley101/pseuds/Emerald%20Ocean%2017
Summary: Katya has always loved Trixie and Trixie has always loved Katya, but it turns out that mutual love does not always equal easy. Katya is scared of committing to someone who he cannot lose and Trixie is scared that Katya doesn't want the same thing as him. Can their friendship survive the struggles of Katya's drug addiction and Trixie's fear of a 'Trixya' relationship ruining his friendship with Katya or will it get destroyed completely?Based on Trixie Mattel's song "Gold".
Relationships: Trixie Mattel/Katya Zamolodchikova
Comments: 60
Kudos: 79





	1. We've Been Going For A While

**Author's Note:**

> Like many young, adult lesbians, I have a slightly worrying addiction to drag race, which has culminated in so many weird fanfiction ideas. I love Trixie and Katya as a pair but would be lying if I said I didn't ship them just a little bit. I personally don't think I'm gonna put actual smut in this because I feel weird writing that about real people, and this story is mainly going to focus on the ins and outs of their friendship. Yes, it is a romance, but it is very (and I mean, VERY) slow-burn. Sorry 'bout it. 
> 
> The timeline is very relaxed in terms of being compliant with real life, but essentially it will start in April/May 2017 and finish around summer 2018 probably (not sure yet). The events are loosely based on stuff I know happened in Trixie and Katya's real lives (All Stars 3, Katya's relapse and eventual break from drag and going into rehab, etc) but don't get mad if I get it wrong, as this is just fiction and just for fun.  
> Obviously, the story shares its name with Trixie's song "Gold", and it is sort of based on the lyrics. Each chapter name is lyrics from the song because I am just so unoriginal. Enjoy!  
> Oh, also, I've decided to use male pronouns but refer to them as Trixie and Katya (I find this easiest and the most natural way to write it), which I will also do for any other queens that I bring into the story.

The crushing silence of the empty apartment screamed at Trixie as he walked through the living room to get to the kitchen. The remaining hints of last night’s party seemed to be mocking him; reminding him that he now had to clean his entire apartment by himself. David had originally been planning on staying the night – the party had been hosted as a way for all of Trixie’s friends to properly meet him – but... that hadn’t exactly gone to plan.

Some sort of false rumour had ended up going around that it was a surprise party for Katya’s birthday, but other people were told it was a party to meet Trixie’s boyfriend and _somehow_ people had merged the two events together. What ensued were awkward explanations for their excited friends who had thought that Katya and Trixie were in a relationship, Katya had thought it _was_ actually a surprise party for him and had found it hard to hide his disappointment, and David had started an argument with Trixie after hearing one too many people exclaim that they were so happy ‘Trixya’ was finally happening.

Okay, Trixie did have to blame himself slightly, as he had laughed at the people who were saying that, rather than correcting them. But still, David _had_ exaggerated, they didn’t need to have a fight about it, and he definitely hadn’t needed to leave, which had only led to more awkward questions.

Trixie sighed outwardly and pressed his temple hard – he was very hungover and was not looking forward to the task ahead. Both the kitchen and living room practically resembled a club after a wild Friday night; cups and glasses were scattered everywhere, chips had been accidentally trodden into the carpet, and Trixie was sure he saw about 20 items of clothing that didn’t belong to him. He also knew he had to call David and apologise for all the confusion and the fight, but that could wait until the apartment was clean.

First: water and coffee.

As Trixie sipped his coffee, sitting on the couch with his eyes closed, his phone started to ring. He clambered over it to where he’d left it in the kitchen and, although he was disappointed that it wasn’t David, was happy to see that it was ‘Barbara’ (what Katya was saved as in his contacts).

“Hi, how are ya, Tallulah?” Katya said loudly as Trixie took the call. 

Trixie winced. “God, tone it down a notch, will you?” he begged, rubbing his head again, hoping that would get rid of his hangover.

“Hungover?” Katya asked with a loud laugh. Although it was a question, Katya didn’t give Trixie an opportunity to answer before he started spewing out some nonsense about how he was certain his upstairs neighbour was dead. Trixie let him talk, having learnt from their almost 3-year friendship that there was no stopping Katya’s tangents without being sucked into them.

And to be honest, Trixie _liked_ his tangents. He loved how intense Katya could think about a subject that seemed so inane and pointless to everyone but him and somehow not care that no one else cared or even understood. It was also nice when Trixie didn’t feel like talking but didn’t want to be alone with his thoughts. At least when Katya was rambling about something very weird, Trixie could try and get invested.

“Well, how certain are you?” he asked. He had definitely just interrupted a stream of consciousness that Katya had been stuck on but that was the only way to get a word in most of the time.

“As certain as I was that time when I had a tumour on my dick, Miss Martel,” Katya said seriously, seemingly happy that Trixie had joined in.

“Didn’t that turn out to be herpes?” Trixie asked.

“ _Exactly_!” Katya said. Trixie could imagine Katya’s exact expression – eyes wide and staring intently at whatever was in front of him, most likely with his arms moving around carelessly and too dramatically for this time in the morning. “I was 100%, without a doubt, ab-so- _lute_ -ly sure that it was a tumour, just like I’m 100%, without a doubt, _absolutely_ sure I have a dead upstairs neighbour. So, chances are, she’s just gone on holiday.”

At that, Trixie scream-laughed and was able to forget for a couple of seconds that he had had his first proper fight with David. That was the thing with Katya – Trixie could always rely on him to put him in a good mood, or at least make him forget why he was feeling bad in the first place. Most of the time, Katya didn’t even seem aware that he was doing it, it was just who Katya was, but Trixie appreciated it all the same. He knew he could call or text him whenever he needed to smile.

“So, last night was kinda intense,” Katya said, bringing Trixie back down to earth.

“Yeah,” he mumbled as he surveyed the damage once again. “My apartment looks like what I imagine Adore’s room is like – only ten times worse and with less weed.”

Katya laughed. “I meant with David, but yeah that sucks too.”

“Oh.” Trixie felt his stomach twist uncomfortably – he had forgotten that David had picked the argument when Katya and Trixie had been upstairs talking about filming Unhhhh on Monday. “Yeah, that... that wasn’t great,” he admitted. Trixie glanced at the clock – it was surprisingly early, only 10am, so David probably wasn’t awake yet.

“Have you talked to him?” Katya asked.

“No, I doubt he’s awake,” he said. He probably should send him a text saying he was sorry, but he didn’t want to yet – he still didn’t really think that he had done anything to warrant picking a fight.

“He’s not at your place? I thought he was staying the night?”

Trixie picked absently at a sticker from a beer bottle that someone had stuck on his coffee table. “He stormed out, remember?” he muttered.

“Shit, honey, I assumed he would come back grovelling after he cooled down,” Katya said. “Ooh, I hear someone walking around upstairs. Either my neighbour wasn’t dead or I’m about to become the first victim of a zombie apocalypse.”

“Wait, Kat – go back a second,” Trixie said, sitting up straight. “You think David is the one that should be grovelling?” It was nice that Trixie wasn’t alone in the thought that he wasn’t to blame, but Katya could just be saying that because he was friends with Trixie. “Like, you think he was in the wrong?”

“Oh, no,” Katya said. Trixie’s heart sank. “It was just a stupid janitor pacing the halls, not my zombie neighbour. But, yeah, duh. ‘If you want to be in a relationship with Brian just say the word and I’ll fuck off’ – what sort of tragic desperation is that, Barbara?”

Trixie frowned at Katya’s words; he didn’t remember that part of the argument. Actually, he didn’t remember specifics about the argument _at all_ because he had obviously been a lot more drunk than he had first assumed. Trixie had just thought it had been an ordinary drunk-fight where David had been upset at Trixie’s lack of need to fix the assumption people had about Trixie and Katya’s relationship. “ _David_ said that?” Trixie asked.

“Yeah, Tracy – he was very drunk, but still. I wouldn’t say that’s on the list of things to say to your boyfriend at a party he arranged for you to meet all his friends,” he replied. “And he didn’t even ask _me_ if I wanted to date you – he just left. That’s disrespect, honey.” 

Trixie laughed half-heartedly at Katya’s attempt to cheer him up and looked at the clock again. “Look, Katya, I’ll call you back later, okay? I should talk to David, and I need to clean my apartment,” he said. He didn’t exactly want to end the call with Katya but he also didn’t feel much up to talking anymore. He knew he couldn’t avoid speaking to David now – he would clean, then pick up brunch on his way over to David’s, that way they could both talk everything over and put it behind them.

“Yeah, sure. Let me know how it goes. I’ll see you in the basement on Monday,” Katya replied. The pair of them always referred to their job filming for WOWPresents as ‘the basement’ because that’s where they always filmed.

“Let me know if your neighbour is a zombie or dead,” Trixie laughed.

“Of course, you’ll be the first to know because I’ll come and feast on your precious meats,” Katya said.

Trixie hung up as they said bye, still smiling as he remembered how much cleaning he had to do. He groaned and stood up. Cleaning could wait – he’d go to David’s apartment first. There was no way he could spend the next couple of hours anxiously cleaning if he didn’t talk to his boyfriend beforehand. Trixie wasn’t one for confrontation, but he hated anticipation more.


	2. We've Been Going Strong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the support for the first chapter, every time I get a kudos, comment, bookmark or subscription, it makes my day. This is a slightly angsty chapter but necessary for the plot to go forward, hope you enjoy :)

Although the pair had been dating for over a year now, Trixie still didn’t have a key for David’s place, meaning he had to knock for a good ten minutes before David managed to get himself out of his drunk-sleep and answer the door. “Hey, baby, I bought breakfast,” Trixie greeted with a tentative smile. In his arms was a bag and 2 iced coffees.

David’s face immediately cracked into a grin. “Awesome. I feel like shit,” he said.

“Yeah, you look it,” Trixie joked. He followed David into his apartment and placed the drinks and paper bag on the counter. “How’s your head?”

“It feels like a sledgehammer’s hit it about a dozen times.” Silently, Trixie corrected him – _haven’t had any complaints_ – but decided that making a joke was probably not the best idea at that moment. Part of him couldn’t help but think about how eager Katya would have been to answer the question with ‘haven’t had any complaints, Barbara’ – or maybe with a vulgar suggestion that Trixie find out for himself – but he shook those thoughts away. After last night’s fight, thinking about Katya wasn’t the best idea.

David picked up one of the coffees and the pair sat in silence as he sipped coffee. Trixie watched him closely. “I’m sorry about yesterday,” he said once he plucked up the courage to bring it up.

“Oh, that?” David asked with a shrug. “We were both just drunk and being stupid – we don’t have to talk about it.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I was being oversensitive,” he said. Trixie nodded, although he didn’t feel great about not talking everything through. He wanted to have the chance to explain that he didn’t appreciate how David had picked a fight when Katya was still in the room, and also how he had said something rude and aggressive – so much that _Katya_ had commented on it – and then just stormed out of his apartment. “Come here, baby,” David mumbled, cupping Trixie’s cheek softly and going to kiss him.

“Teeth first,” Trixie smiled, jokingly pushing him away. 

Talking about it could wait... or maybe it didn’t even need to be spoken about? No, it definitely needed some attention, but it could wait until after breakfast and sex. “Fair enough,” David laughed as he stood up and made his way into the bathroom. “I’m having a shower, want to join?”

“Always,” Trixie replied with a final sip of his coffee. Yeah, talking could wait.

~

“So, about last night...” Trixie said quietly once they’d finished in the shower, a good hour later. David let out an audible sigh, so Trixie decided to change tact and ask a different question. “Did you like meeting my friends?”

“Yeah, of course I did, Bri,” he said. David laced his fingers through Trixie’s and kissed his knuckles. “They were all really nice. Once they realised that _I_ was your boyfriend and not Katie.” It was a poor attempt at a dig at Trixie and Katya – getting Katya’s drag name deliberately wrong.

“Katya.”

David stopping kissing Trixie. “It’s basically the same thing,” he replied, his tone slightly defensive. “Why did they assume that, anyway?”

“I don’t know really,” Trixie said. “I guess people just got confused because Katya’s birthday is soon and some people thought it was a surprise party for him. Does that really matter? Brian made sure to correct anyone that mentioned it.” He really wasn’t in the mood for another argument, especially since that would make it their second argument in 24 hours.

“ _You_ didn’t, though,” David pointed out.

Trixie turned to face him on the bed. “I did. But I was more concerned with making sure you were talking to everyone and getting to know my friends,” he said. _God please don’t let this turn into another fight._ “The queens love making drama out of everything – they know that Brian and I are constantly asked if we’re dating so they just bring it up at everyone’s inconvenience. They didn’t mean anything from it.”

“Yeah,” he said with a slight shrug of his shoulders. “Katie just seemed to be enjoying the suggestion that you were in a relationship, don’t you think?”

“David, you know that’s it’s Katya – why not just say that instead of being childish?” Trixie sighed. David sat up, his hand breaking away from Trixie’s. “And he wasn’t enjoying it, he just finds stuff like that funny. Because it’s stupid, that’s all.” Trixie didn’t know why this conversation was even happening – he had just wanted to say to David that he wished he hadn’t stormed out of the apartment. 

“It’s not stupid to me, Brian. It’s my relationship.”

“It has nothing to do with our relationship!” Trixie snapped impatiently. 

Shit, this was not going to plan, and Trixie knew he shouldn’t lose his temper because that would make the whole thing a lot bigger than it need to be. “People came to your party expecting to find ‘Trixya’ and instead got stuck with Brian and _David_ ,” David said.

“That’s not what people were expecting and you know it,” he replied softly. “It was just a couple of queens that believed a dumb rumour and realised the truth once they saw you with me.”

“Yeah, because I have nothing on Brian.”

“You’re making an issue out of nothing now. I love you, David – I wouldn’t want our relationship to be any other way, I love you for you,” Trixie said. “I don’t want to be with anyone else, Brian included.” 

David smiled softly – he knew that he was just being insecure and shouldn’t worry about stuff like that, because there wasn’t anything to worry about. “I love you,” he said. It seemed that their almost-argument was over, because they got back to kissing, interrupted only when Trixie’s phone vibrated. 

“Ignore it,” Trixie said into their kisses.

“Could be important?” he suggested. Trixie shook his head and concentrated on kissing every inch of bare skin on David. Trixie’s phone vibrated again.

“It’ll just be texts,” Trixie said as David glanced distractedly at the bedside table. “David,” Trixie pouted. He didn’t even care that he was close to begging. But David had gone slightly tense, already untangling their bodies from each other. “What?” He didn’t speak, just sat on the edge of the bed, wringing his hands together. “David, what?” 

David stood suddenly. “You told Brian about our fight?” he asked, his voice dripping with annoyance.

“What?” Trixie frowned. He sat up. “David, he was in the _room_.”

“How do I know you’re not just saying that to confuse me? I was absolutely smashed – you could tell me anything and I’d believe it,” David snapped.

“Why would I tell you Brian was in the room if he wasn’t?” Trixie asked.

David tossed Trixie’s phone to him. “How the hell am I supposed to know?” he asked. He ran his hands through his hair, then sat back on the bed. “I should have just listened to Archer...” he muttered under his breath. Trixie moved so he was sitting next to David on the edge of the bed. David’s body was solid and tense.

“What are you talking about? What did Archer say?” Archer was David’s closest friends; he was a funny guy, Trixie liked him.

“Nothing, just forget it. I’m being stupid,” David said, once again standing up.

Trixie stood up too. “David, will you stop sitting and standing and _talk_ to me?” he begged.

“Brian, I’m fed up!” he snapped. Trixie stared at him, obviously confused. David sighed deeply. “Archer’s been saying – ever since we started dating – that you obviously have feelings for Brian and he has feelings for you. I get it, okay? You two are best friends, you don’t want to risk ruining a friendship for a relationship that might not work out. But when your feelings for him start having an impact on _our_ relationship –”

“David, stop,” Trixie cut in. He was speechless; how the hell had he gotten to this conclusion? How long had he been feeling this way? And the hell had a couple of texts from Katya caused such a big revelation from David? David was staring at Trixie, expecting him to answer. 

Trixie shook his head, and at that point, David knew what he had to do. “I can’t... I can’t do this with you, Brian,” he admitted. “Always trying to compare myself to Brian.”

“That isn’t me doing anything!” Trixie insisted. “Brian and I have never been anything more than friends, I tell you that all the time.”

“Only because both of you are too scared.”

“That isn’t _true_!” Trixie snapped way too aggressively. “That’s just stupid fans reading between invisible lines about stupid things. They’ve all got the completely wrong idea. And so have you!” 

David was pulling on the last of his clothes. “Brian, the only people who don’t know that you and him love each other is you and Brian,” he said. “And even Brian loves you; he just doesn’t realise that you love him back.”

“That isn’t _true_!” Trixie repeated, his frustration obvious. “You can’t expect me to keep reassuring you every time you get insecure about my friendship with Brian.”

“That’s not what I’m asking from you,” David said sadly. He shook his head, eyes filled with tears. Trixie held his breath in anticipation: he knew what was about to come out of his boyfriend’s mouth. “I love you, Brian. But I can’t be with someone who doesn’t love me back.”

“I _do_ love you.” Trixie’s voice cracked as he said the words. He _did_ love David – he loved David with all his heart, and no matter what the fans said, he didn’t love Katya, not in the same way.

“Not as much as you love Brian,” David replied. “I’m sorry.” His tears had fallen now, and so had Trixie’s. “But I can’t be in a relationship with someone like you – when you have a relationship like you do with Brian.” Trixie turned away, his heart racing, his body numb. “I just think you should leave,” David said. Nodding, Trixie stood up and managed to grab his clothes and put them on with shaking hands.

Once he was dressed, he turned to David, pressed his hand on his cheek softly. “David...” he mumbled. “I’m sorry.” At those words, David stepped away from him and let him leave on his own accord.

It really was the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope it doesn't seem like I villainised David too much, I think he's really sweet in real life and I know how much Trixie loves him so just remember this is purely fiction. I just needed to get him out of the way for Trixya to happen, hahaha.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	3. Harder To Believe In

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been way too long and I'm very sorry for the wait but I've now officially finished all of my university work for my final year there and now I don't have any responsibilities apart from writing! This is quite a short chapter and it follows Trixie's conflicting thoughts immediately after the events of the previous chapter. Enjoy and thank you everyone for waiting so patiently.

Trixie barely remembered getting back to his apartment; David’s words just echoing around his head over and over again with every step he took. Every step away from David. Trixie wasn’t someone who took love lightly – being in a relationship, to him, meant everything. It meant 100%, it meant dedication, it meant compromise. It _didn’t_ mean treating your boyfriend as second best to your closest friend, which is what David had accused him of. 

Did he _really_ do that? Did Katya come first? Did Trixie really make it seem like he cared more about Katya than about his own boyfriend? If anyone had asked that an hour ago, he would have laughed at them and said no, without question. But now? He was starting to doubt himself. 

Maybe he _did_ make it seem like he cared more about his friendship with Katya than he cared about his boyfriend. 

But Trixie knew himself well enough to know that he wouldn’t do that to a person he loved, and yeah of course he loved Katya but not in the same way – in the way a person loved their best friend. He didn’t want to _fuck_ Katya, he didn’t want to do anything remotely sexual to Katya and never had (okay, apart from that one time in Katya’s apartment when he’d had slightly too much to drink and they’d nearly crossed that line with their friendship and kissed a bit too much). But that was before David; he had been drunk, and drunk Trixie was always horny and Katya? Well, Katya was horny constantly. It didn’t mean anything and now it was making Trixie angry that David had somehow put his own insecurities onto Trixie.

Trixie struggled with unlocking the door, his hands shaking slightly from the sobering up, and from the break up. “Come _on_!” he muttered, kicking the door impatiently. It finally clicked open and, walking in and seeing the mess of the apartment, reminding him of the party and the argument and the break up, Trixie slammed the door behind him. “ _Fuck_!”

Tears trickled down his cheeks as he allowed his hurt and his anger to break free. Sobbing, Trixie didn’t even manage to get to his bed before he couldn’t bear to stand any longer. He just let himself fall to his knees, his head resting on his unmade bed, and cried until he didn’t think he could cry anymore.

And then his tear ducts seemed to remember the words David had said to him – _I can’t do this anymore_ – and they filled his eyes with fresh tears.

Trixie’s head hurt with angry thoughts. He _didn’t_ love fucking Katya, he loved _David_. He loved his boyfriend! _Ex-boyfriend_ a voice in his head said. “Shut up, Brenda,” he muttered as he cried, and then he started crying all over again at the fact that he was always thinking about Katya – _Katya_ was the one who called the voice Brenda, not Trixie. 

Why did Trixie’s mind always find ways to bring Katya into everything? Why were Katya’s words always on his mind, and not David’s? “Because he’s my fucking best friend.” Trixie wasn’t sure who he was trying to convince. Himself? Why did he need to convince himself? Had David been right? The worries that had plagued Trixie on his walk home came flooding back into his head. Maybe Trixie _hadn’t_ made it clear to David how much he loved and cared for him; maybe Trixie had talked one too many times about what Katya was up to, or maybe Trixie had gotten worried one time too many when Katya hadn’t replied to one of his stupid texts for a couple of days and Trixie had ended up sharing these worries with David.

Maybe it wasn’t clear who Trixie was in love with.

Or maybe it _was_ clear, to David, but it was the wrong person? “Fuck off,” Trixie told himself, wiping his snot and tears on the sleeve of his jumper. Trixie did _not_ like Katya like that and he never had. It wasn’t Trixie’s fault if David’s own insecurities meant he couldn’t believe that. It wasn’t his fault if David took Trixie’s concern for his best friend’s mental health as feelings of love and desire. Was it?

No. Trixie had to remind himself that he wasn’t responsible for David’s insecurities, especially when Trixie had had to assure him _countless_ times that he wasn’t in love with Katya. Why had David never believed him? 

_ Because maybe it wasn’t true _ .

“It _is_ true, Brenda,” Trixie muttered, then got annoyed because his mind, once again, had managed to bring a Katya-ism into his own head. Brenda wasn’t Trixie’s, it was Katya’s, and if he was trying to convince everyone that he didn’t have feelings for Katya, Trixie realised he should probably stop with the whole ‘Brenda is the name of the voice inside his head’ thing.

From inside his bag, Trixie heard his phone notify him of a text and a wave of hope flooded through him. Had David changed his mind?? He rooted through his bag, chucking a half-empty bottle of water onto his bed, as well as a dog-eared copy of _The Picture of Dorian Gray_ that he always read on public transport to seem smarter than he was. His heart sank when he read the name of who had texted him.

Barbara.

Tears filled his eyes again, and a feeling he had never felt when thinking about Katya rose in his chest: anger. It reached his throat and became an immovable lump that made it hard to swallow. Why was Katya making him angry?

Because it was Katya’s fault that David had broken up with Trixie.

No, okay. No, it wasn’t. That wasn’t fair. Putting the blame on Katya when he was just an innocent bystander in this whole thing wasn’t fair, and Trixie knew that. It didn’t stop him from feeling it though. It didn’t make the anger or the frustration fade in any way. Katya had said publicly before that he found Trixie hot, and maybe that was where David’s insecurities came from. 

Katya couldn’t help who he found hot, and it wasn’t like it _meant_ much to him – he didn’t catch feelings in the same way that Trixie did. He didn’t do relationships or love. He did sex. Sex with strangers. Sex that didn’t mean anything more than the few hours of lust to Katya. Trixie unlocked his phone and removed the text notification without reading it – he would read it and reply once his mind was done trying to sabotage his friendship. Yes, there wasn’t any logical reason behind Trixie’s anger but that didn’t change it.

It was Katya’s fault that David ended things. 

Katya’s texts had been the straw that broke the camel’s back. Their friends believing Trixya was a thing had been the catalyst to their argument, and the months of David believing Trixie put Katya before him had been the reason for David’s insecurities. And Katya’s texts had been the final straw.

Ten minutes later, Trixie was still stewing in his anger towards Katya and his broken heart from David ending things. When his phone started to ring, when Trixie barely glanced at it and saw Katya’s dumb photo show up, when he let it ring off, Trixie finally got off his floor and instead buried himself under his bedcovers and cried his hangover off, hoping beyond hope that the heavy feeling in his heart would dwindle soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed, I love a bit of angst in a chapter. There wasn't any dialogue in this chapter, which is something I've been wanting to experiment with, so I hope you liked it and it wasn't too much in terms of Trixie's internal struggle. I'm hoping to have the next chapter up within the next few days because I want to get into the habit of updating this regularly.
> 
> Btw, I love the Picture of Dorian Gray (by Oscar Wilde) which is why I mentioned it in this chapter and if you haven't read it, you should consider it. It's such a good classic and is very accessible, even for people who don't read classics.


	4. All the Years Have Come and Gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This rewinds time a bit, to just after Trixie and Katya's phone call from chapter 1, and it's the day in Katya's POV. Last chapter, I really enjoyed the lack of dialogue so I thought it would be fitting to do it again, this time for Katya. Enjoy!

When Trixie hung up the phone after deciding that he should clean his apartment and talk to David, Katya didn’t mind. He had wanted to keep talking to him; wanted to gossip about the party at Trixie’s and about how he had walked in on Adore and Bianca doing _something_ and how he was certain that Sharon and Alaska had gotten off with each other because they’d been acting weird when Katya had gone to join them outside for a cigarette. But, and he knew this wasn’t fair to Trixie, Katya was always expecting Trixie to hang up before Katya was done talking.

Katya was all too used to his closest friends ditching him as soon as they got into serious relationships. There was Layla, in 7th grade, who had gotten her first boyfriend and then never spoken to Katya again because she didn’t ever seem to have time for him. There was Chris, in 9th grade, who ended her friendship with Katya because her boyfriend thought Katya was weird and kinda creepy (to be fair, in hindsight, Katya knew he _had_ been weird and kinda creepy). There was Kim, in their first year of college, who had completely ghosted Katya for months until she popped up and asked if Katya wanted to meet for coffee after she found out her boyfriend had been cheating the whole time. Even his sister’s calls had become less frequent once she moved in with her boyfriend-now-husband.

Katya was used to it.

And he didn’t exactly _blame_ Trixie for his lack of interest in Katya’s life. There wasn’t even a _complete_ lack of interest – he still called, he still texted, they still hung out. But their calls were shorter than they had been after season 7 ended, the texts were infrequent and less detailed, even meeting in person seemed to be less common (although Katya couldn’t exactly blame Trixie’s relationship for that – both of them were constantly travelling).

And Katya didn’t _mind_. Not much, anyway. Sometimes, he felt sad if he’d been talking and Trixie interrupted him to say he had to go and sometimes it upset him when they were meeting in person and Trixie was constantly texting David. But he didn’t mind.

He had completely expected it as soon as Trixie called him last year and excitedly screamed that David had asked Trixie to be his official boyfriend. He had been really happy for Trixie and David, but in in the back of his mind, something was reminding him that he should expect less from Trixie, now that he was in a relationship. 

And for the most part, that voice in the back of his mind (which Katya now referred to as Brenda, after hearing Trixie doing it for so long – why did his brain always bring Trixie up somehow?) had been wrong. Trixie made it very clear how much Katya meant to him and he was always the first person to check in when Katya hadn’t been on Twitter for a couple of days or hadn’t replied to texts.

Brenda had mostly been wrong, so Katya didn’t mind when Trixie had to leave mid-conversation (and had Trixie even realised that Katya was only halfway done with his weird tangents?). Trixie needed to make sure his relationship with David was good still. Katya understood that.

It wasn’t until a few hours later, when Katya had texted Trixie an update on his potentially dead neighbour ( _she’s not dead Barb, I saw her coming back into the building with a suitcase whilst I was smoking out the window)_ , sent him a link to a weird porn video ( _I have seen this in my nightmares tracy and that is not a joke_ ) and asked him if he’d made up with David, all with no replies, that Katya felt a twinge of upset.

Katya decided Trixie and David were having make-up sex, which he promptly texted him to ask about ( _is david sucking your weenie to apologise? If you’re sucking his, I hope he grovelled_ ). But an hour later, and there was still no reply.

_ Wow Tracy, you’ve been going at it for years. bet your hole is totally loose. I hope you showed David that video I sent – I want to know if it’s possible and I have no one to test it out with. _

Twenty minutes later, fed up with waiting to hear from Trixie and not ever caring about seeming desperate, Katya called him. The phone rang on and on until he was finally greeted with Trixie’s voicemail. He left a rambling message:

“Hey, Barbara just checking up – I’m guessing by your lack of texting in response to my revelation that my neighbour was just on a trip and also to that mesmerizing video, that you and David have made up and he is now fucking your brains out to apologise for being a nasty bitch last night. Glad you’ve sorted it. Text me! Or call me back if you have a sudden desperate longing to hear my raspy voice in your ear. I’m creating a monster of a wig for Monday which I’m sure you will enjoy reading – it will have _at least_ 3 hands in it and maybe a couple of eyeballs. Bonsoir mademoiselle. Au revoir.”

Katya decided to spend the rest of the day doing some work and chain-smoking. He was mainly replying to emails. When it got to about 10pm, he realised that he should probably eat something so ordered a veggie pizza and got up to stretch out his back and do some yoga. 

Being on his phone had reminded him of the texts and voicemail that he had left Trixie and he realised that he’d never gotten a reply, which was slightly weird for Trixie, as he was usually good at replying. Usually, if you didn’t get a reply from Trixie in the first few hours of contacting him, it meant you never would because he didn’t want to talk to you. That had never happened with Katya, with Trixie ensuring that he at least replied with a couple of words or an emoji to let Katya know he’d seen the nonsensical rubbish he’d texted and would reply properly when he had more time.

The texts remained unread by Trixie. 

A jolt of jealously rushed through Katya; he wished he knew what Trixie was up to. He was nosy. He liked to know. It suddenly felt weird to him that he wasn’t sure if Trixie had managed to clean his apartment after the party, and wasn’t sure if he was at David’s place or his own. It suddenly felt weird that Trixie didn’t know the tea about Bianca and Adore doing something suspiciously intimate in Trixie’s bathroom (even if they had insisted that Bianca was just helping Adore sober up a little). It suddenly felt weird that they had barely spoken all day, their 5-minute phone call 12 hours ago being the only source of communication. 

It may have been normal for most friends but it wasn’t normal for the Brians. Trixie and Katya texted stupid stuff to each other all day and called every few days. And even on days like this, when Trixie was busy with David, he at least humoured Katya’s sporadic updates about his dick or his porn finds or weird messages fans had sent him by replying with emojis.

He at least _read them_. 

Katya clicked on the messages between him and ‘Tracy’ and looked at the last text Trixie had sent him, which had been at 8pm the previous day: “Why does Jaremi think this party is an announcement of us fucking?”

When he’d gotten that text, Katya had laughed but reading it back over, the voice he imagined Trixie using was angry, not light-hearted. When he read it this time, he imagined a look of frustration on his face, like that time a fan had read erotic fanfiction between the pair and hadn’t stopped, like that time him and Trixie had been watching Untucked and Acid Betty had called his make-up ugly. He didn’t imagine the voice he was so used to hearing. The soft voice, the one laced with sarcasm but warm underneath, a screeching laugh to accompany it. 

Why, all of a sudden, was Katya imagining Trixie would be angry about the assumption some of their friends had that they were dating? It didn’t matter, right? Why would it matter? It’s not like it was hard to correct them.

Trying his best not to think about it, Katya tossed his phone on the coffee table and grabbed his TV remote so he could find a film to watch whilst he was eating his pizza. Although he was attempting to put Trixie out of his mind throughout the night, he kept going to reach for his phone to text Trixie something funny that had happened. But he didn’t text.

Tonight was for Trixie and David, not Trixie and Katya. Katya knew he needed to respect that, even if it made him feel a twinge of sadness every time he thought about it.

Why hadn't Trixie replied with at least a stupid string of emojis?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I loved exploring the same day but in Katya's POV and matching up the events to fit with both Brians. What do you think of Katya's thought process? I tried to make his internal thoughts a bit more convoluted as he seems to make a lot of seemingly random jumps subconsciously in UNHhhh and other videos I've seen.   
> Oh, I also referenced 'Brenda' again, this time with Katya using it because Trixie always referred to that voice as Brenda - so, which one is true? Who really started it? Who picked it up from whom and why do they associate Brenda with each other so much? I would really appreciate comments and/or kudos if you had a fun time :)


	5. When We Put Our Hands Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An update the next day?? How sweet am I!? (I actually just have a lot of time and a lot of motivation). Bit of a time jump but not much of one - I wanted to move the story forwards. Enjoy and happy reading!

It was a mental and physical struggle for Trixie to get out of bed on Monday morning. He felt as though David’s decision to break up had not only hurt his heart but made it impossible to move. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to get out of bed, get an Uber to World of Wonder and laugh with Katya when he didn’t have even an ounce of laughter inside him.

But he managed.

It was either that or call and pretend to be sick because there was no way he was telling people at work that he had been dumped. News like that travelled fast in his world of being “gay famous” and Trixie didn’t want the fans to find out. None of the fans had even known he was in a relationship.  Trixie guessed it didn’t matter now. He couldn’t mope. What was the point? He felt empty but he’d been dumped before and he knew he would get over it. He would heal; he had it in him to keep going, even if it felt like the whole world was closing in on him.

His phone started to ring just before 9am, just as he was about to leave the house – he assumed it was his Uber driver so answered it without looking at the caller ID. “Hello?”

“Listen, oh, you answered.” Katya sounded surprised. Trixie closed his eyes and ground his teeth, reminding himself that _Katya hadn’t done anything_. “Um,” Katya started. It seemed as though he had expected to be greeted by Trixie’s voicemail, like he had been all weekend. “I don’t know if you’re coming in today but I’m here already so could you just tell me now so I can go home if you’re bailing to have sex or whatever it is you’ve been doing all weekend?” Katya asked.

Trixie forced a smile, knowing that if he didn’t, his voice would sound so unhappy. It was hard - almost impossible, actually. “Yeah,” Trixie managed, a slight crack in his voice from spending the last 48 hours crying and not speaking. He cleared his throat. “Yeah. I’m coming. My Uber’s just late,” he said.

“Okay, good,” Katya said, his smile evident in his voice and completely effortless. “I’ll see you soon Tracy.”

~

Walking through the main doors of World of Wonder and down to the basement, Trixie wasn’t sure what he was feeling. He didn’t even know what any of the topics were for the day’s filming and he wasn’t sure he would be able to make _anything_ funny, let alone manage to laugh at Katya or talk to him without breaking down crying.

He did wrestle with the idea of telling Katya that David had dumped him but he was embarrassed and quite frankly, wasn’t sure he could do it. Trixie _knew_ Katya would want to know what reasons David had given and Trixie knew he wouldn’t be able to lie to Katya’s face. But he also knew he couldn’t very well explain that David had broken up with him because he thought he was in love with Katya.

That would just make things weird, Tallulah. And weird was the last thing they needed.

So, instead, Trixie vowed to act 100% normal and film the three episodes that they had to today without anyone ever realising something was up with him. Unfortunately, it was clear Katya wouldn’t let that happen when Trixie entered the dressing room and the first thing Katya said was: “Been sucking on David’s weenie all weekend, have you? Couldn’t even reply to my transcendent text messages.”

Obviously, Trixie knew it was a joke and obviously, he knew Katya was just teasing, but the flash of anger that he felt towards his best friend hurt his rib cage. “No,” he replied bluntly, setting down his make-up bag way harder than was necessary.

Katya was already completely ready, other than not wearing a wig and not having Katya’s trademark red lipstick on, so Trixie rushed to get his make-up on.

He sat there in front of the mirror, in silence, pulling out foundation and eyeliner and blush and going for a darker look for Trixie than he usually would. He was watching Katya carefully behind him as he stared at his reflection. Katya would usually be chatting nonsensical rubbish by this point, but he seemed not himself. Trixie tried not to care - he had his own problems to worry about - but he also knew that his “no” had been unnecessarily snappy and had maybe upset him, coupled with the radio silence over the weekend.

“Was your neighbour dead?” Trixie asked. 

Katya glanced up at him and caught his eye in the mirror. His expression was dark. “Didn’t you listen to my voicemail?” he said. 

“Sorry,” he mumbled. “No, I... I didn’t have time.”

“Right.” Katya went back to scrolling through what Trixie guessed was Twitter, and Trixie continued to apply his make-up, the guilt of upsetting his friend gnawing at his insides. He should explain. Katya would be the first person to understand – they were best friends. Trixie knew he would forgive him completely and be the first to pick him up whilst he was feeling so awful.

_ But it was Katya’s fault _ . Okay, Trixie had wrestled with that thought all weekend and kept going back and forth – it wasn’t Katya’s fault, but it was Katya’s texts that had made David want to break up. It _was_ Katya’s fault, but it wasn’t like Katya had _chosen_ for their friendship to be like no other friendship either of them had had before. It wasn’t like they’d met on the set of drag race and decided that they would choose each other, that they would depend on each other and rely on each other. They hadn’t _planned_ it – that had just happened.

And it wasn’t like it was Katya’s fault that David had been too narrow-minded to understand their friendship. “Are you alright Trix?” Katya’s voice startled Trixie, and he almost poked himself in the eye with his mascara wand. 

“What? Um, yeah?” Trixie was certain that he did not sound at all convincing.

“You seem sad,” Katya replied. 

“I’m not sad,” he said, concentrating on glueing his lashes on straight rather than on Katya’s concern for him. But Katya wasn’t going to let his best friend lie that easily – he may often be read for his lack of ability to read social cues but he wasn’t stupid – something was definitely not right with Trixie. He was not okay. Usually, Trixie would have made a dumb joke about how he was sad because he had to spend the day with Katya or something. Instead, he’d just denied his feelings.

Katya locked his phone and stood, stretching and groaning dramatically as he did so to try and make his friend laugh. He hovered behind Trixie and caught his eye as they both looked in the mirror. Katya leant his chin on Trixie’s head. “She was on holiday,” he said. “My neighbour? And I found a nasty porn video that you need to watch – I want you to try it out with David to see if it’s possible.”

The flinch from Trixie was subtle but Katya noticed it. He kissed Trixie’s head, leaving a smear of red on his skin. “Cool.” Katya heard the strain in his voice.

“Are you sure you’re okay, Brian?” he said, using Trixie’s boy name to really make sure Trixie knew Katya was here if he needed to talk. Trixie dipped his head down to get Katya away from him and grabbed a wig he’d not worn in a while.

“I’m fine,” he said, his voice hard.

“Really Brenda? You’re acting so weird,” Katya replied. Trixie put on his wig and stood up once it was secure. “Cos if you’re not okay, you can tell me, you know.” Trixie ignored him.

“We should hurry up and go film,” he said instead. “I saw the schedule, we have loads to do today.” Trixie did not want to talk about David breaking up with him at all – no, all he wanted was to go back to bed and continue crying whilst he watched stupid 90s and early 2000s movies on a continuous loop.

“Trix...” Katya tried one last time. “You don’t seem okay.”

“Just _drop it_ , Brian.” And Trixie spun on his heel and swiftly left the room, leaving Katya staring after him, confusion etched into his expression.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! What do you think of Trixie's decision to not tell Katya? Do you think he should? Do you think he will?! I'm hoping to continue uploading this really frequently to make up for the 6 week hiatus I had between chapters 2 and 3.


	6. Key Into A Cage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyy, yet another very speedy update. Enjoy it while it lasts, people - I hope it lasts until the end of the fic but I can't promise anything.

“Cut!” Their director Pete sighed loudly as the cameraman cut the camera. Katya slumped down in his chair and Trixie grabbed his phone from the side table, feeling his cheeks warm up because he knew why Pete had said cut. “Trixie? You don’t have much energy,” Pete said.

“Yeah,” Trixie said distractedly, glancing up from his phone. He didn’t know what he was even pretending to look at – he hadn’t received any messages that he wanted to reply to. He hadn’t gotten a text off of David, which is what he'd been hoping for all weekend. “Sorry, I’m just... not feeling well.”

Katya turned to look at Trixie with a raised eyebrow but didn’t comment. After Trixie had stormed out earlier, he had taken his time to put on his wig and then joined him in front of the camera without talking to him. They’d been given the topic – death – and neither of them had really been in the mood to have fun. Katya felt uneasy about how weird Trixie was being and could tell Trixie was annoyed at him – for what? Katya wasn’t sure. They had had to do what felt like a million takes to even do their intros and neither put much into them – Katya had attempted to laugh at Trixie’s (“I’m that dog you rented for your sister’s wedding that won’t stop howling, Trixie Mattel”), but didn’t have it in him. Trixie hadn’t even tried with Katya’s.

“Well, please just grin and bear it, we’re on a tight schedule and we have to get this done and I can’t have you having low energy. Do you want a Red Bull or something? A coffee?” Pete asked. He seemed exasperated and it made Trixie feel awful – he seriously _was_ trying his best to ignore how upset he was but it was difficult when he was expected to laugh and make jokes with the person he currently blamed for the breakdown of his relationship.

“Sorry, I don’t think I’m helping either,” Katya said, sitting up straighter and running a hand over his wig to straighten it up a little.

Trixie shot him a dirty look, obviously not appreciating the attempt at help from him and Katya almost winced. _Almost_. Trixie had never looked at him like that before – not unless it was as a joke, but that was not a joke, Brenda. “It’s fine; I don’t need a drink,” Trixie muttered to Pete. _Not a non-alcoholic one anyway_. “Can we have a 5-minute break? I need some air.”

“Sure. I think we’ll have to start again to be honest,” he replied.

Trixie bolted out of his chair before anyone else could call him out for being low energy and unfunny. And before Katya could try and talk to him. He almost sprinted to the fire exit and outside so he could calm down in private. 

“Come on, Brian. Get a grip,” he mumbled under his breath. He closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths – like the ones Katya had taught him to do during the beginning days of their friendship on drag race. In the first episode, after believing his spring and fall runway looks had been awful (one of them had had _moth holes in it_ , for god’s sake), Trixie had been panicking by himself; sitting quietly on a chair in untucked until Katya dragged him into the hall (he told the producers they were going to the bathroom) and helped him calm down. He had taught him meditation and yoga breaths and from then on, anytime the pair were sitting near each other but not close enough to talk in the untucked lounge, Katya caught his eye and mouthed “breathe” at him and Trixie always managed to calm down.

Katya was a good friend.

The thought was one Trixie never really put much effort into exploring, although he didn’t ever feel like he needed to – of course Katya was a good friend. He was a great friend; a great _person_. There was a reason Katya won Miss Congeniality in their season and it wasn’t just because he’d won the hearts of fans. Katya was there no matter what and was always willing to help.

Why the hell had Trixie treated him so poorly all weekend when Katya would have dropped _anything_ he was doing to come and comfort him as soon as he found out David had dumped him? What, because _David_ thought they were in love with each other? A jolt of anger shot through Trixie again, like it had been doing all weekend, but this time it wasn’t directed at Katya – it was directed at David. Why should David get to ruin his friendship with Katya when he wasn’t even in Trixie’s life anymore? Since when did Trixie live his life based on what his _ex_ believed?

Trixie jumped slightly as the fire door creaked open and Katya appeared in the doorway. “Hey Mary,” Katya said softly. “You’ve been ages.”

“Have I? Sorry, I lost track of time,” Trixie replied, clearing his throat awkwardly. Why was Katya’s voice causing his skin to break out in goosebumps? Why did he suddenly feel as though there was something caught in the back of his throat? Why did he suddenly feel as warm as Katya always complained to be when they were filming?

Katya took out a cigarette from his pack and put it in his mouth. “I think we were approaching it all wrong,” he announced.

Trixie frowned. “What?”

“Death,” Katya replied, as if it were obvious. “We were making it too _real_ – we need comedy. No one wants to watch a couple of homos get _deep_ about the ins and outs of death.”

“Can I have one of those?” Trixie asked.

“What?” he said. He looked down to where Trixie was looking. “Oh, a cigarette? Sure...” Katya flicked the packet open and pointed it in Trixie’s direction. He took one and gratefully bent his head down so Katya could reach to light it with his lighter. It was a _Contact_ themed lighter that a fan had given him. “So?” Katya asked as a cloud of smoke left his mouth. “We should be funnier, right?”

“Right,” Trixie agreed half-heartedly. He inhaled the cigarette and closed his eyes, feeling a rush of... _something_ as he watched Katya do the same. He exhaled. “Funnier.”

Katya watched him curiously. What the heck was wrong? “Has someone died? Is that why you can’t be funny about it? We don’t have to talk about death – we could talk about anything. Like, uh... um, ravioli? Or... bearded men or menstruation?” he asked.

“No, death is fine,” Trixie said. He didn’t sound very convincing. He was about 2 seconds away from leaving World of Wonder, actually. “What happened in that porn video then?” he asked, trying to get Katya to distract him. He didn’t think he was ready to talk about David dumping him but he didn’t want to distance himself from Katya anymore. Katya’s eyes widened in excitement and he quickly loaded up the video on his phone. As the pair watched, Katya smoking hurriedly and Trixie’s cigarette abandoned, Trixie scream-laughed and stared at the video in horror.

At his laugh, Katya laughed too, and flailed – that full body happiness that people always liked to say was dramatized. Trixie was laughing. He had finally made his friend laugh after radio silence from him for two days. “It’s _disgusting_ , Mary!” Katya exclaimed.

“That’s not possible. It can’t be possible – is it possible?” Trixie rambled. 

_ See Brenda? _ Trixie thought to himself. _He makes me laugh even when it feels like my whole world has fallen apart._

“Maybe we should test it, Barbara?” Katya said using his ‘Maureen’ voice.

“AHHH!” Trixie scream-laughed again. “I am not fucking you in the World of Wonder fire escape Mary!”

“But you’ll fuck me somewhere else?” Katya wiggled his eyebrows, moaning dramatically and caressing his body overzealously as Trixie laughed at him. For the first time since Saturday, Trixie wasn’t thinking about David or his broken heart. “Let’s go in,” Katya said. _Before you remember that you’re annoyed at me for whatever reason and forget to laugh at my jokes again_.

“Yeah,” Trixie agreed, this time with a smile on his face and a warmth in his heart. 

~

“Hi, I’m the woman named Tammie who collects green glass bottle: Trixie Mattel.” Katya flailed at that, but mainly at the voice Trixie was using.

“And I go door to door selling tube socks filled with lunch meat: _Katya_!” Katya and Trixie both had smiles on their faces this time, and neither had to pretend that they felt fine now – that weird blip seemed to be gone. Trixie had realised he wanted Katya’s friendship and couldn’t be angry at him for something as stupid as David’s opinion and Katya was just relieved that Trixie seemed to be alright again.

The pair continued together: “And welcome to, UNHhhh!”

“The show where we talk about whatever we want,” Trixie said.

“Because it’s our show,” Katya continued.

“And not yours.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! If you're obsessively addicted to UNHhhh and have watched every episode too many times to count (like me), you'll know that 'death' was a topic that they covered (episode 58 and 59) and the intros I used at the end are the real intros in the first episode. I made up the first intro of Trixie's though, sorry if it's not funny lol. Those are harder to think of than I expected.  
> Hope you're glad with the outcome of the chapter, and if you prefer angst over happiness (like many fanfic readers), don't worry, there is more angst to come!


	7. Every Story Started

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyy it's been a few days but I've been busy doing nothing and it's hard to motivate yourself when every day is an endless cycle of the same thing (not complaining, I'm kinda thriving). Happy reading!

_ Maybe _ , Katya thought to himself, _I should just let it go_. Maybe it had all been in his head and maybe Trixie had been absolutely fine today and not at all distracted or moody or upset. Maybe that weird look Trixie had given him when he’d tried to take the blame for the poor filming earlier on in the day had all just been some crazy thing that Katya had imagined. Maybe Trixie really was okay, like he’d insisted when they were in the dressing room at the end of the day and Katya had once again tried to talk to him about what was wrong.

But Katya was _certain_ he hadn’t imagined it. Trixie had been weird – yes, he’d been better after they’d shared a cigarette in the fire escape and laughed – and Katya wanted to know why.

_ Hey David – I think something’s up with Brian. He was really distracted today at wow. do you know if he’s okay? _

Katya didn’t text David that often – he only had his number because of a surprise David had planned for Trixie at Christmas that he needed Katya’s help with – but he wasn’t really sure what else to do. Even if Trixie didn’t want Katya knowing what was wrong, at least this way, David could reassure Katya that he was there for his boyfriend and would make sure he was okay. And maybe, Katya reminded himself, maybe he genuinely had imagined it.

David’s reply came almost 4 hours later: _brian and i broke up_

~

As soon as the Uber had dropped him off outside his apartment, Trixie had to fight off the crushing feeling of sadness. At least at World of Wonder, he was in a space that had never been David’s. WoW belonged to him – _and Katya_ , his mind reminded him – so, at least there, nothing reminded him of David. 

At home, he had to look at the couch him and David always watched movies on; the stove David sometimes used when they didn’t want to order in but Trixie didn’t want to cook; the bed. Oh, fuck, the bed. Now that Trixie had managed to _leave_ his bed, he wasn’t sure if he could get back into it. Him and David had spent so many nights together in that bed – the throw blanket and multiple pillows in shades of pink carelessly tossed on the floor – and Trixie didn’t think he could go back to moping around in it.

The apartment was also still a mess, Trixie unable to motivate himself to clean because he couldn’t see the point in carrying on. Yes, it was melodramatic, but he was grieving, Tallulah.

Instead of doing anything about the mountains of dirty dishes he’d accumulated over the weekend, the overflowing trash can or the countless empty beer bottles from his party (which felt like it had happened a life time ago, rather than on Friday night), Trixie traipsed over to his home office and slumped into his chair. 

And then he did something he hadn’t done all weekend. He picked up his guitar.

A while later, when his stomach was rumbling and all the tears in him had dried out, Trixie stood up and stretched. Being hunched over his guitar for hours without moving was something he rarely did these days – either being too busy to even get to his guitar or too tired to care. He had missed it. He quickly ordered chipotle from Deliveroo and then got into the shower. 

As he was standing in there, he eyed the toothbrush that David had bought over a few months ago and never taken back to his own apartment and his eyes filled with tears. But Trixie tried to force that sadness away – sure, David had dumped him, but he didn’t want to be sad about that anymore. Trixie also realised that this was the first shower he’d had all weekend, which was gross, but showering hadn’t even been on his mind when he’d woken up to go to WoW earlier. He had just wanted to be back in bed.

Getting out of the shower, Trixie heard a faint knock on his front door, so quickly wrapped a towel around the lower half of his body and wondered why – today of all days – Deliveroo had decided to be early.

He cursed as he tripped over a rogue shoe sticking out from under the coffee table (that was definitely one of Willam’s, although how did a person leave a party with only one shoe?) and opened his door. 

“Hey-” Trixie blinked wordlessly at the person who was now standing in his doorway. _Not_ the delivery guy, that was for sure.

“Oh,” Trixie mumbled, suddenly feeling self-conscious about his half naked appearance. “It’s you.” Katya nodded and pushed Trixie’s front door open wider. “I thought you were my chipotle,” he said. “I was in the shower.” Now he was dumbly stating things in very short sentences and wasn’t sure why Katya’s appearance at his front door had stumped him so much.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Katya asked softly, a sympathetic look on his face.

Trixie frowned, confused. “That I was in the shower?” he asked. “Or that I ordered chipotle?” 

“That you and David broke up, Tracy!” Katya snapped impatiently. He finally walked into Trixie’s apartment. “I would have been here in a second. When did it happen? The weekend? I spent the entire day talking about him.” Trixie glanced down after Katya’s first sentence. Had David told Katya that he’d broken up with Trixie? “You could have told me.”

“I didn’t want to talk about it,” Trixie replied. He felt even _more_ self-conscious now, standing in front of Katya talking about his broken heart wearing nothing but a towel and dripping wet.

“And I wouldn’t have _made you_!” Katya insisted. “But I would have been here straight away.”

“I know that,” he said. “I thought about telling you.”

Katya shook his head. “Who ended it? Did you?” He doubted it, because he knew how much Trixie was into David – he loved him, and it showed. And, based on how weird Trixie had been today and the radio silence over the weekend (and the state of his apartment), Katya guessed David had been the one to do the dumping.

“No,” Trixie muttered. “He did. Just after you called me on Saturday morning about your dead neighbour. I, like, went over to his place and he ended it.”

“Why? Because of your fight?” 

“I _really_ don’t want to talk about it, Brian,” Trixie begged. He was hoping that using his boy name would make Katya realise how desperate he was to not think about the break-up. But Katya wasn’t listening.

“Because if it is, that’s so stupid – you never fought – and one stupid fight shouldn’t be the end of a relationship. Does he not know what apologising is? And moving forward? _Forgiving_? Also, he was the one who picked the fight anyway; everyone was having a great time but he decided to make –”

“Katya-” Trixie tried.

“-things dramatic.”

“Katya.”

“Typical top – they always need to make everything about themselves-”

“Katya! Will you stop talking for 5 minutes?” Trixie finally managed to get a whole sentence in. Katya paused, mouth still open, as if he was frozen in time. 

“Sorry,” he said.

Trixie shook his head again. “It wasn’t like it came out of nowhere,” he admitted. He had spent the weekend introspectively looking over his relationship with David so he could see where it had gone wrong. 

“What do you mean?” Katya asked.

He shrugged. “Just...stuff,” he said. “You know how it is. The small things... it all builds up and then explodes.”

Katya _didn’t_ know how it was – he hadn’t been in a relationship for years. “What small things?” he asked. “What stuff?”

Trixie definitely didn’t want to talk about that. A lot of David and Trixie’s issues stemmed from Trixie’s friendship with Katya and he didn’t want to talk to Katya about that because then he’d blame himself, even though it wasn’t Katya’s fault. At least Trixie had made peace with that today – the failure of his relationship could not be pinned on Katya in any way. David was just insecure. “Nothing. I don’t want to go into it,” Trixie said.

“Come on,” Katya mumbled. “Isn’t this what friends do? Bitch about exes. How am I meant to tell you that David was trash and you deserve better if I don’t know the context?” His teasing smile meant that he was half-kidding but that he _did_ want Trixie to talk about it.

Trixie swallowed the anxiety threatening to boil over inside him and admitted quietly: “He dumped me because he thinks we’re in love.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooh, how do you think Katya will react??


	8. When I Found You On The Page

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the comments and kudos - I'm glad you're enjoying the story as much as I'm enjoying writing it. Happy reading!

Trixie wasn’t _entirely_ sure why he’d decided to come clean about the reason for David breaking up with him but now there wasn’t anything he could do to take it back. Like, how would this fix anything, Brenda? If anything, it was going to make things weird between the pair, but something inside of Trixie wanted to know what Katya had to say about the idea. It wasn’t an _alien_ idea – fans always talked about the supposed sexual tension between him and his crazy best friend, and even their own group of friends used to hint at the pair of them having a kai-kai behind all of their backs. They’d stopped once Trixie got with David but a couple of them still watched Katya and Trixie out of the corner of their eyes, as if they were going to catch them doing something that only fanfictions had ever depicted.

Trixie wanted to see how Katya responded so he could evaluate his own feelings about their friendship. But he was starting to regret ever bringing it up because he was sure that this was one of the longest times Katya had been silent in his presence, and now all he wanted was his Chipotle to come and Katya to watch a stupid movie with him.

Why was he not replying? It was very frustrating.

There were two things that popped into Katya’s head as soon as he heard Trixie say those words, and neither of them would have been appropriate responses. Instead, he stared at Trixie wearing nothing but a towel, his chest and abdomen dotted with water particles, and muttered a simple: “What?”

Trixie rolled his eyes – an automatic response to stop himself from freaking out about what he’d just admitted. Would this ruin whatever it was that made his friendship with Katya special? Would Katya be freaked out? _Would he agree?_ “I know you heard me, Brian,” Trixie snapped. Why was Katya pretending to be dumb? Was it to avoid facing the truth?? Or maybe the sentence had been so out there that he hadn’t believed he’d heard it right?

A bark of laughter left Katya – an automatic response to stop himself from freaking out about what Trixie had just admitted. And then he covered his bases: “What a stupid bastard,” he laughed.

“ _Right_ , Mary?” Trixie said, eyes wide with faux-astonishment when in reality his heart was beating uncharacteristically quickly. “Why would I be interested in your sinewy, gnarled up old man body?”

Katya laughed loudly and began to caress his body in the most unsexy way possible. “Excuse me?” he screamed. “Who wouldn’t want this hot piece of ass?”

Trixie laughed and nudged him, and as Katya nudged him back, his towel brushed against his suspiciously not completely soft dick and he seemed to remember that they were having this conversation with Trixie wearing only a towel. “I’m gonna get dressed.” Trixie turned and headed back to his room, then felt the need to add: “Please don’t leave.”

“Bitch, I’m not going to leave,” Katya promised.

“I ordered a depressingly large amount of Chipotle so I could eat my feelings, so there’ll be enough if you want to eat too,” he added as he walked into his bedroom. His door closed. “And make sure you open a window if you’re going to smoke Beverly!” Trixie shouted, just as Katya rooted around in his jeans for his pack of cigarettes. Katya smiled to himself at how well Trixie knew him – and at how predictable they both were – and went over to the window to smoke out of it.

~

“So,” Katya said. The pair were now watching _Titanic_ (it had been on TV) and eating Trixie’s Chipotle. “Why’d you decide not to tell me about David dumping you?”

Trixie sighed. “Do we have to talk about this? I don’t want to talk about David,” he said, really just trying to get the attention away from his weird reaction to being broken up with – most people would tell their friends immediately so they could help them through it, but Trixie had instead moped around in his own depression for two days.

“Is it because of the reason he gave you?” Katya asked, ignoring Trixie’s desperation to not talk about it.

“No,” he muttered. Trixie stabbed at his burrito bowl wordlessly, feeling his cheeks warm up ever so slightly.

Katya could tell Trixie wasn’t paying attention to him. “You said stuff had been building up and it exploded. Was it because our rotted friends kept asking if we were finally together? Has David always thought we were in love? I always got the impression that he didn’t like me much but I thought that was because he didn’t understand my amazing jokes,” Katya asked. “Not because he thought I was secretly trying to fuck you. Which I was –” Trixie almost choked on his food; his ears were going red, he knew it. “-But that was a long time ago, Brenda. I much prefer us now.”

Trixie managed to swallow his mouthful of food and finally looked at Katya, whose abandoned taco was now just crumbling in his hand. “He didn’t get us,” Trixie said, feeling himself warming up even more. Would Katya now just think he was weird? Was their friendship really that different from other friendships that Katya would understand what he meant?

“Peasant,” Katya said, and then his lips turned up into a smile. Trixie couldn’t help but smile back. “Well,” he said. “You definitely deserve better then – I always knew there was something off about the cunt but I thought it was his glasses.”

Trixie laughed – not his banshee laugh, his softer laugh, which always made goosebumps appear on Katya’s skin. “What was wrong with his glasses?”

Katya ignored him. “And what sort of self-respecting man wears _leopard print?_ ” he exclaimed. Trixie laughed again and Katya’s smile turned into a wide grin. “Look at us,” he said. “Who _wouldn’t_ be jealous?”

“No ide-”

Katya stood up suddenly. “I’m sorry.”

“What?” A jolt of what felt like panic flooded Trixie – why was Katya leaving?

“I can’t sit in this disgusting apartment having a serious conversation surrounded by this much dirt. Where’s your Domestos?” Katya said. Relief shot through Trixie and he stood up to join his friend.

“I’m sorry, _you’re_ disgusted by _this_?” Trixie exclaimed. “Mary, I saw your old place in Boston – it’s a miracle you never got lost in amongst all your crap and dirty dishes. And didn’t you used to pee in your sink?”

“Peeing in a sink isn’t dirty!” Katya insisted, ignoring Trixie’s insinuation that it was out of character to clean as Trixie laughed at him. It _was_ out of character for him to want to clean, especially someone else’s apartment, but he needed something to do, otherwise, god knows what he would have done to Trixie on his precious baby pink couch. “And anyway,” Katya continued. “It’s not about me being disgusted by the actual mess – this whole apartment screams ‘I just got dumped and now I’m depressed.’ The feng shui is ruined.”

“ _Feng shui_?” Trixie screamed, accompanied by his banshee laugh.

Even though it was just his usual laugh and just him repeating a phrase, Katya started to laugh at Trixie’s expression. “I’m being your Mother Theresa. Your Florence Nightingale. Your _princess_ in shining armour.”

“Princess in shining armour?” Trixie laughed. “Honey, you scream something more like rotted corpse in problem patterns you found in a dumpster, honey.”

“AHHH!” Katya screamed, flailing wildly. “You cunt! Go and get me something to clean with before I change my mind.” With every second of laughter they shared, Katya wasn’t sure if his feelings for Trixie were intensifying or fading. Did most people want to fuck their recently heartbroken friends on pink couches? _No Brenda_ , Katya reminded himself. _That is surely not normal._ He really needed to get a hold of himself.

As Trixie walked to his kitchen, he felt his heart rate finally slowing down. Their conversation had taken a turn Trixie had not been expecting – why was Katya suddenly choosing to admit that he used to want to fuck him? That had always been a joke they made on camera – UNHhhh, interviews and panels they did were full of them – but Katya had never said something like that when it was just the two of them by themselves. With only the furniture to hear his confession.

And, most importantly, why did Trixie’s knees go weak at the thought of Katya fucking him? _Because I’m lonely Brenda_ , Trixie reminded himself. _Because I just got dumped and I’m sad, lonely and think I’m undesirable_.

Trixie breathed slowly to calm himself down and finally grabbed his cleaning products. This was probably going to be a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's going to be a long night indeed, Brenda. Hope you liked this new addition to the story - I wanted to move it along a little, but even though they've both admitted to themselves that they may have conflicting feelings about each other, do you think either of them will act?? Stay tuned!


End file.
